Attack of the Squash Vine Borers

Anybody who's had trouble with squash borers killing their squash plants knows how much of a pain in the ass they can be. Last year they tore our squash up. This year I was prepared. I saw the moth laying eggs a couple of weeks ago and I tried to pick off all the eggs I could, but it's virtually impossible to find them all. So I knew this moment would come.

That orange frass is the tell tale sign that one of those little jerks has burrowed into the plant. What they do is burrow into the stem and live there, eating the plant from the inside out. After about a month, when your plant is toast, they climb into the ground and go into a cocoon stage where they'll wait until next spring to hatch out as a moth. If you see this bastard around your garden, it's time to arm yourself.

And they leave little red eggs on your plants that look like this:

If you're not looking out for them, you probably won't notice anything is wrong until it's too late. You'll just kind of find your plants wilted and sickly, completely unaware that this son of a bitch is inside your squash or cucumber or watermelon plant, having a goddamn feast!

Once the borer has made it inside, there's really only two options to evict his ass. One is to carefully cut the stem of the plant open with a razor blade, extract the bug(s), and carefully cover the incision with soil in hopes that it will heal. F that noise. I'll take what's behind door number two. This option involves injecting BT into the plant. Here's what to do. First, you'll need a hypodermic needle.

I have a nurse mom so I've got the hookup, but I'm pretty sure you can get them at any pharmacy. Step two is to mix up a batch of BT, I use Thuricide, and fill up the needle.

"Don't worry squash plant, it'll just feel like a little pinch."

Now it's time for the fun part. Take the needle and inject it into the stem of the plant. You'll probably have to move the needle in and out some while trying to inject the chemical until you find the sweet spot. Do this in a few places along the stem so that you know there's nowhere for the little turd to eat plant guts without a BT marinade. I put about a syringe full in each plant.

Repeat these steps and inject all your squash plants. You're supposed to sterilize the needle with a bleach water mixture between each plant to prevent the spread of disease, but I was just too damn lazy to do it. If my plants all die as a result of trying to save them, well so be it.

Garden visitors, peppers, and pugs

You never know who you're going to find in the garden. It's kind of like going to Walmart - 90% of the wildlife isn't exactly the kind of fauna you'd prefer to see touching the stuff you're gonna eat (or even passing in front of your field of vision/smell). Then every now and then you run into one of your friends. Like this guy:

Yep, that toad eats the sumbitches I hate. Like caterpillars. And slugs. Getting eaten by a toad is probably one of the least glorious ways you could die, but you know what? Fuck those guys. That's what they get for eating on my plants.

I also finally started finding lady bugs. My winter garden had an ass load of lady bugs in it. Since planting the spring garden, I haven't seen any until just recently.

Well hello there, ladies. I'm hoping they get to work on some of the aphids that have taken over the bean plants. My wife is going full hippie and will not allow me to break out sevin dust or any chemical pesticides, so the aphids are having a damn field day. I think I'm going to tell the lady bugs that their boyfriends cheated on them with the aphids. God help em.

I also found another familiar visitor to the garden. Buck. Eating unripe blackberries as usual. I never said he was the brightest.

Peppers are coming! I'm super stoked about this. First peppers are here, courtesy of the orange sicle and carmen plants.

Bonus Pugs Muthafucka!!!!!

My wife made PUG POPS!! Don't even try to act like your wife has ever baked something this cool because she hasn't. My daughter's 2nd grade class is having fun Friday tomorrow and they'll be eating delectable pug shaped cake pops. Your kid's class will be eating skittles, sucka!

Breaking Wind

Yesterday there was quite the weather event. A big storm rolled in as part of a cold front. I had a surprise skydiving trip planned for my wife's birthday (which went well) and I was worried about the weather screwing that up. Luckily it held off long enough for her to have a safe jump but we didn't even make it home before the bottom fell out. I never thought about the garden as one of those all day nasty thunderstorms set in, followed by high winds. While we were enjoying ourselves, stuffing our face with bang bang shrimp at Bonefish and shopping at the mall, the garden was getting its ass kicked. I woke up this morning to go do some garden gandering and I walked up on the carnage.

Several pepper plants, a few tomatillos, and a few tomatoes were bent over at the base. They laid down like Columbian hookers at the White House. And so my wife and I had to tie these suckers up to some stakes. Hopefully no real damage was done.

Other than the little wind snafu, things are going pretty well. Squash plants are coming along and tomatoes are starting to set everywhere.

Tomatillos are flowering like weeds and most of them are setting. They look pretty cool with their husks. Tomatillos are definitely fashion forward. Yet they're Mexican. Quite the combo.

"That husk really brings out the color in your flowers, Holmes."

2 weeks in....

So other than a few late additions, everything's been in the ground for 2 weeks now. They're starting to get a little personality. When a plant starts to grow it becomes one of two types. It can decide to be a Bruce Willis or Clint Eastwood badass type of plant. These plants just get the fucking job done without whining about it. A real plant's plant. Or it can decide to be a sniveling little turd of a plant. A real waste of soil. They're like the Lindsay Lohans of the garden world. They get addicted to fertilizer and have to be coddled to do anything. There may be potential deep down inside these plants but for the most part they're a huge waste of time.

The tomatoes are looking like studs. If these were 80's tomatoes, they'd own a Trans Am and be slamming out Bon Jovi tunes from the garden. I'm pretty confident I'll have tomatoes to spare here in a month or so. At least it seems like I should. You know how that goes....

The peppers are hit and miss. They've been the victims of several attacks by this guy.

Yes, I still freaking hate caterpillars. They haven't really been so bad since I started using the Thuricide, although they did knock over one of my tomatillos the other day. Assholes.

There's been a few new additions since the last garden update. 8 ball zucchini hybrid, watermelon, cantaloupe, okra, and beans have all sprouted. Still waiting on cucumbers. They need to get with the freaking program.

Oh and the first flower of the season is courtesy of one of the tomatillos plants. 

Pugs Love Gardening

This is Buck, our family dog.

I know what you're thinking. How did something so beautiful make it to my computer screen? Is this real life? Am I dreaming? No, you are not dreaming. And now that you have looked into the eyes of true beauty your life is complete.

And he loves gardening. So if you're looking for a pug of show dog quality that is also a garden aficionado, you have come to the right place. And by loving gardening I mean he takes naps while others do the heavy lifting. Then once the plants get going, he gives them a good hard sniff of approval. He's a supervisor more than anything. Management material.

Here he keeps a watchful eye on momma to make sure she's doing things right. He communicates his suggestions via whining, barking, and trying to escape. The kind of stuff you'd find in any corporate management strategy handbook. Like I said, he's a real straight shooter.

After a hard shift of several minutes in the garden, he usually works up quite an appetite. Buck likes to blow off steam by snacking on unripened blackberries by the fence.

There's a good chance this blog may feature some sort of hijinks courtesy of a certain black pug in the future. I'm not naming names though.